"peachy life"
Mood:  sharp
Its been a while since I made an entry. Things are going great, despite all the BS that has been threw my way and all the manipulative ppl that are trying to make my life a living hell...works great, Kobe's great, Casey's great, so everything is pretty "peachy" in my life right now. I have registered for classes for my RN this fall at SGC and I am so excited and eager to start. I will be taking Biology with a Lab, First Aid, Music Appreciation, and Psychology this fall. I have heard that my Biology teacher is so hard and he is the only one that they have to sign up with right now, so Im stuck with him. I hope that they hire another instructor and maybe I can get into that class. I have been told that all of my other classes will be pretty easy and considering I dont have to take two of the required classes because I took them after I greaduated high school, that will help.
Richard came home a few wks ago and is doing great since his accident. It just amazes me how he survived considering what I saw when we went up there the day after the accident. I haven't seen anything that terrible in my whole life. I just knew he wasnt going to make it or that he would be brain damaged or worse, but here he is...a walking miracle..alive and being the same old "Turd" He doesnt have ANY differences in personality since the accident lol. You would think something like going legally blind would change someone a little, but not "Pisswillie" lol. We have been spending a lot of time with him lately and its so good to finally have him home with everyone. He is truely blessed.
Kobe is learning how to express himself more and more each day. He is learning how to put his words together to make sentences and its so hilarious to listen to him talk sometimes, especially when he gets on the phone and talks to someone b/c he carries on his own little conversation with them and when you ask for the phone he says " NO I talking right now." lol. That little booger is SO worth having. Things still arent going well with potty training. We are trying, but its just not sinking in. I hope that he catches on soon...pull ups are SO EXPENSIVE!
I talked to Tammy aka "Tambo" the other day for the first time since she got out of "lock down" from when she tried to OD on Oxycodone. She took 11 of them and they had to pump her stomach. She is so much better now and has such a good attitude about everything else going on around her. I hope that things stay that way for her...Lord knows things are up and down w/ Tambo most of the time. We have been talking a lot online lately and I miss her so much and all the good times we used to have..and I even miss some of the not so good times. Tammy and I have just had a connection ever since we met one another when I was 16...we just clicked right away and understood one another and no matter what our faults we have always stayed best friends...I love that about her...you dont hardly ever find friends like that anymore.
Casey and I are going on vacation next weekend in celebration of our THIRD WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! I can't believe that we have been together for FIVE years now...man thats a long time. I couldn't imagine my life without him...he is the best thing that ever happened to me...him and Kobe. Casey is taking me to Tampa, FL and we are going to Bush Gardens and Discovery Cove, where we will swim with DOLPHINS! We are also going to the Florida Aquarium for a day. We are staying at THE HILTON in a suite!!!!! It has a jacuzzi and a heated pool inside ...its going to be so awesome! I am so excited. Casey and I have never got to go off by ourselves and do anything like this before...OoOOo the love making we will do...lol. We may even make another baby...lmfao..NOT!

DEATH OF INNOCENCE
Mood:  sad
I was saddened by the news of Terri Schiavo's death this morning. I was at a patients house and found myself sobbing when I heard the news. I just dont understand how anyone can be forced to die from starvation and dehydration LEGALLY! I guess it just goes to show how screwed up this "great nation" of ours truely is. I am going to have a living will drawn up myself this month because I dont EVER want to put my husband or my family in a situation like that. I guess what bothers me the most is the fact that her mother had to sit there and watch her daughter suffer and die slowly and there was nothing she could do about it because her "legal husband" wanted her dead. Hell, her husband already was shacked up with another woman and now has two kids so wtf! He should have divorced his wife and married his HOE and gave Terri back to her parents...but NO he wanted her dead! I think that what goes around comes around though and one day hes gonna pay for what he did to that innocent soul. Most people are ignorant to what all of this means because they have no medical training, but a death from dehydration and starvation is a horrific way to die and ITS AN UNNATURAL DEATH...its painful and agonizing...theres nothing peaceful about it, and what makes me so angry is when people say "well she was brain dead so why keep her alive anyway?" TERRI SCHIAVO WAS NOT BRAIN DEAD she suffered brain damage from going into cardiac arrest which was brough on by her bulemia...her electrolytes in her body became so unstable and her potassium level dropped so quickly that she went into cardiac arrest and her heart stopped. Someone who is brain dead does not look around the room at people and does not show facial expressions, someone who is brain dead does not mumble and try to speak, someone who is brain dead DOES NOT KISS HER FATHER! The whole case just breaks my heart and frightens me because we are giving out the message that its ok to kill the disabled and handicapped, its ok for us to "get rid of them" because they arent living a fullfilling life anymore...whats to come next..the killing of innocent children!? I just think the world is going to hell in a hand basket.
Oh I also got some news today....my sister is pregnant again! I was so angry when I heard this morning that she was because now my Mom is going to have three kids to take care of and I know she cant do that...she doesnt even really want to keep the two she has because financially she needs to be going back to work soon...I think I am going to sign Kobe up for Headstart..but I just hate to put him in so young, but then again with me going back to school this fall I think it would be easier for me to just pay Anita to keep him. Well, I guess Ive got plenty of time to think about it...probably about eight months.
Casey came home today also due to the rain and we went and go our hair cut. Lori cut mine too much she cut like an inch and a half! My hair was midway of my back and now its just below my shoulders! Kobe was so cute...he was watching me getting my hair cut and he said "Mommie I wanna hair cut!" Lori laughed and said if I had time today Id do it, but he didnt really need one anyway. I love how he wants to do everything that I do...makes me feel good because I know hes looking up to me because I used to do the same thing with my Grandma. lol. I also saw a long time friend, Angela Massey today and got her number, so we can get together sometime. We were talking about what all was going on in our lives and she got to see Kobe and she just fell in love with him and she said my hubby was handsome and sweet...LIKE I DIDNT KNOW lol. Its good getting to see old friends, especially when its the ones YOU WANT TO RUN INTO. I got Kobe's Easter pictures back yesterday and they turned out so good. He is smiling in it and he has his hands folded...so adorable...Im going to attach the pic to the entry today if I can.

Life is good....
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Casting Crowns
Today has been a good day! I didnt have to work too hard today, which I dont ever really work TOO HARD lol :). Kobe has been going through the "social anxiety" thing where he cries every morning when I leave him at Mom's and that really bothers me sometimes, but I know that its something that all kids go through and Im not worried about him being took care of because my Mom keeps him and I trust her. I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful mother who has sacrificed her career and her time and money to keep my son and my neice. I dont think I would have finished my LPN had she not been there for me through it all. I would never leave my son in daycare. I would stay at home before I would do that. I have worked daycare for a year and a half of my life when I was a senior in high school and when I was in my first year at SGC and I know what the parents dont see. I just dont understand how people can put their kids in a strangers hands, but I guess some people arent as fortunate as me and dont have a choice. Anyway, I swung by Carol's, Anthony's mom's house today after I got off work and we sat around and BS'ed about stuff and her nephew, David or should I say "Crazy David" came over and we debated on some stuff as we always do and just all in all had a good time for about an hour. My heart really goes out to Carol because I could not imagine having to have gone through all that she has...a terrible car wreck that almost killed her and her son!, her heart failing on her and having to hospitalized years later and on a respirator, her son going to prison for burglary because he got on drugs and got with the wrong crowd, not getting to even see her own twin Grandkids because their mother is selfish and uses her kids to punish others and get what she wants. I mean the list just goes on and on for Carol. She is a much stronger woman than I ever think I could be. Carol and I have always got along though, even when I was 16 and dating her son. She still to this day says that she wished he had married me and had children with me because she always knew that I was good for him and made him make better choices. I guess things happen for a reason though. Well, Kobe is wanting me to go watch "SCOOBY DOO" with him, so I guess Im done for today...LATER!

Crossroad
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Linkin Park
Have you ever noticed how some people think that they have to be "above" everyone else to be happy? It defeats their purpose really when you think about it, because all that it reveals is their own jealousy, and envy. I think being in competition with someone all the time exhausts you and in the end it will cause your own unhappiness, because no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you work to be better, all people are different and their goals in life and their ideas of happiness are different in so many ways. I know that some people think that happiness comes from materialistics such as money, cars, houses, a "daddy" for their children, etc. but I believe that true happiness starts inside, with YOURSELF. You see, if your in competition with someone else all the time, then deep down inside you are insecure about who you are as a person. I have found that most of the time people who do this are angry at the people they're "idolizing" because they feel that they have caused their mistakes in their life or that they have wronged them in some way, when in actuality they're insecurities and doubts about who they are caused their life to go in that direction, not to mention their OWN ACTIONS. See, I have come to a crossroad in my life where I understand that life isnt about materialistics, or the "perfect image" or the mistakeless marriage or family. I can accept my insecurities, my mistakes, my families mistakes, and I love myself regardless of my flaws, and I will NEVER let anyone make me feel inadequate again.

Easter
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Two Steps Behind
I came to the realization today that sometimes I become judgemental too quickly. Casey and I talked last night and he made me realize that, active part of his life or not..his family is still his family and he loves them...I should not have got upset just because he wanted to go spend time with them. I know that I can be such a bitch to him sometimes and I wonder why he even loves me? and yet he does, so deeply and for that I am blessed. I know that I tend to say things that I really dont mean too often to count...like I said yesterday that I didnt really think that Casey was my soulmate. Casey is and will always be the one true love of my life...yes I loved another man once, but I can honestly say that I now know that we werent meant to be...I think sometimes I just want to believe that there was more to the relationship than there was. Anyway, Casey, Kobe and I we all went to my sisters house for Easter today and unfortunately we werent able to hunt eggs due to the weather, but we had a great time anyway...Kobe played with Olivia, they opened their easter baskets and ate candy til they were about sick lol..and we grilled hamburgers, hotdogs, etc. Leighanne and I have been getting a lot closer lately, something that I have always wanted. I guess its no wonder considering how we had our babies 8 wks apart and going through something like that together will most definitely bring you close. I used to think Leighanne thought she was so much better than me...that she was always in "competition" with me, but now I realize that she doesnt care about all of that and that she had to earn her way just as I have and she loves me no matter what, which is a good feeling and I am happy for her happiness and success...she deserves it.
As I look at my handsome, blue eyed son now...I feel like the luckiest person in the world...to have such a precious cargo put in my hands to love and nurture all these years...theres nothing more awesome and fullfilling out of life than that. I hit myself sometimes saying the things that I say...Kobe and Casey..they are my life..and its not perfect by no means and I never claimed for it to be "heavenly" all the time, but as times goes by...people tend to realize that love is something that you have to work at..its always there, but sometimes you have to realize that you are not perfect, and that your family is not perfect, but when you have love...true love your family can work through anything. I guess thats why Casey and I have been together for five years now and never seperated...because no matter how mad we get at one another..no matter what we say or do...we love each other completely utterly and truely madly deeply....some people arent lucky enough to find that kind of love in a lifetime..I just thank God that I did.

VENTING ANGER
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Staind and Evanescence
Today has been a terrible day...I got up this morning and right away I knew it was going to be one of those days..one of those horrible days that we all tend to have. We were late getting up and getting ready to go have Kobe's picture made at the Gallery, my Mom got agitated cause we werent ready, Casey and I had an argument, Kobe was acting like a full fledged damn HELLYUN at the Gallery and I was so embarressed by him, Casey wanted to go to his Mema's for Easter today and I didnt feel like it and Kobe was acting ill so we had another argument! I mean why should I go out of the way to spend time with a bunch of strangers who dont even know mine or my son's name!? Casey's family has never even been an active part of his life...KOBE, ME AND MY FAMILY make up Casey's "REAL" family. I ended up leaving with Kobe and going to my Grandma's to cool off and when I get home theres a damn note saying that he went to his Mema's WITHOUT ME AND KOBE!! Sometimes I just dont understand Casey and sometimes I get so damn mad at him that I think I could literally CHOKE HIM! I mean he has been on the road ALL WEEK LONG away from Kobe, not having to take care of Kobe and what does he do....LEAVES ME WITH OUR CHILD AND GOES TO HIS FAMILIES HOUSE TO HAVE FUN! Meanwhile I am stuck here having to fucking take care of Kobe ALL BY MYSELF...LIKE USUAL...hell I should be used to it by now, its been this way ever since Kobe was born...I give up everything that I want to do and he does whatever the fuck he wants to. Sometimes I think I would be just as good or even better off by myself, but then I think about all the financial problems I would have...Casey pulls a lot of the weight around here. I have always loved Casey, but sometimes on days like this....I feel as though as each day goes by...im falling more and more out of love with him. I guess I shouldnt be surprised...I never really thought that Casey was my soul mate....I met him a long time ago and I messed up and let the love of my life slip right through my fingertips, something I have always regreted....even to this day. I know that the happiest times of my life were with him. I could look at him from across the room and it was like butterflies in the pit of my stomach....he lit a fire in me that still burns to this day..I loved him with every part of me...and most importantly I gave him my heart five years ago and I dont know if I ever got it back to give to Casey. I know that I sound so confusing sometimes...trust me I realize this...but I cant help how I feel and I think sometimes I lie to myself so that I think I am happy...when really I know that I will never be happy like I was with him. I just get so tierd of being unappreciated, took advantage of, tierd of giving up every dream that I ever had for myself and most importantly Im tierd of living a lie...

Mood:  lazy
Today I went to work as usual. I have been so exhausted this week,just have no energy at all. Im having some problems with my boss at work, she can really be a bitch sometimes. I can't wait until I get to go back to college for my RN in Auguast. I wont have to work as much and I will be able to spend more time with Kobe. Sometimes I feel like a failure as a mother because ever since he came into my life I have been so busy with school, work, and life in general I feel like I have missed out on so many things. I mean I know that I did all of it for Kobe and his benefit, but sometimes I wonder was it worth it? All those days that I missed with him, all those memories that I never participated in...sometimes I wish I could just be a house wife, but financially not many people get to do that anymore. Kobe is the joy of my life...hes what keeps me going...each and every day he is discovering something new...he finds every part of life so fullfilling and exciting..and I find myself learning something new from him every day. Casey has been gone for the past two weeks working on the road in Macon. I miss him beyond relief. I dont know what I would do without him in my life. I think what I love most about Casey is the fact that you can kick him, spit in his face, call him terrible things, and no matter what he still loves you...I have done so many terrible things to Casey and through it all he has offered his forgiveness and true devoted love. I have never been loved so much in my whole life by anyone like Casey has loved me. When Im at work I talk alot with my patients and some of them have lost their wives or their husbands and it just rattles my mind sometimes realizing that these are the best years of my life and that someday Casey or even Kobe could be gone. It can be so depressing working with the elderly, but I am so fortunate because I gain so much wisdom, and strength from these people...their life's stories change mine because they make me realize how precious life is and how easily it can all change and how quickly its over. I realize that moaning and groaning over the little things doesnt matter anymore...and that you should thank God for each moment that you have.