A Change
Mood:  flirty
Today for the first time in THREE YEARS almost I made a drastic change and I got a haircut, which was long overdue in my opinion but my hubby thinks that all women with short hair look like boys, so I had been trying really hard to please him and to look as he would like for me to, but unfortunately the hair had to go! I still left a lot of length on it though. It's about an inch below my chin and in layers and stacked in the back. He says that it looks really good and he likes it, but I know that deep down he wants my long hair back. My hair is just too thick to wear long and I hate having it in a pony tail all the time. I wanted something that made me look my age and professional. Lori at A Cut Above did it and she did a really good job. She is going to put some highlights in my hair on Wednesday when I am off for my apt with Dr. Goldberg...this also is LONG overdue. Kobe and Casey both got a haircut today too. This was Kobe's second haircut and once again he was surprising good while Lori cut his hair. I was so proud! He looks like a little man now.
I still have not started my cycle yet. They did a HCG level/BLOOD pregnancy test on Thursday and it too came back negative so I really dont know what to think. It's really got me stressed though, because in the back of my mind I just keep wondering...what if I really am pregnant and it just isnt showing up yet? I DONT want another baby ESPECIALLY NOW when everything is FINALLY going my way and I am fixing to go back to college and finish what I should have a LONG time ago and Kobe is SO not ready for a baby brother or sister. He is so spoiled rotten and I dont want to have to push him aside to make room for another child...Kobe's the only child Ive ever wanted....he's my world. Also, Leighanne is expecting her baby in December and I dont want to have another child around the same time as her AGAIN! I want my next pregnancy to be special and one that will be MINE OWN and not shared with my PERFECT sister. So pregnancy right now JUST ISNT AN OPTION. It has to be something else.
Anthony still has not called or written. I am to the point where I say FUCK IT! He's not my problem anymore and Im so sick of carrying around his baggage and trying to help and support him in his time of need and then him treat me like this. "THE BITCH",his kids, and his family are HIS PROBLEMS...NOT MINE, so why do I go out of my way to help him when he does nothing for me in return. I mean even if "the bitch" has something to do with him not calling or writing...SO WHAT!? Why should I care anyway? I have everything that I need in this one house,a loving husband, and an adorable son, more love and happiness than most ppl ever find, so why should I be stressing over someone who is nothing to me but a friend when he feels like it? For six years I have gave and gave to Anthony only to receieve hurt, lies, manipulation and most of all TROUBLE from his psychotic bitch stalker xwife whose name I fail to mention due to her "SUE EVERYBODY" nature. So I guess that's just one more change I have made today....NO MORE GIVING AND GIVING TO PPL WHO DONT DESERVE IT!

Falling Apart
Mood:  d'oh
I had to go see Dr. Goldberg and Dr. Jonna today. I swear I am just falling apart! I never had ANY health problems until after my pregnancy and birth. Sometimes I wish I had, had a caesarian because I know it doesnt damage your body near as much as vaginal delivery does and I KNOW..I've seen them both as a nurse. Contrary to what most women who have caesarians say...vaginal birth is also A LOT MORE PAINFUL too. Anyway, I went to Dr. Goldberg because my cycle was suppose to come on the 15th and all I have been doing is spotting a little here and there. I was so scared that I might be pregnant again, but THANK GOD my home pregnancy test was negative and so was my test at the doctors. The LAST thing I WANT or NEED right now is another baby. Angie Spain, the PA at Dr. Goldbergs told me that I may have to go on "PROVERA" to make my periods start and be regular. I have never had this kind of trouble so it's really scaring me and I dont understand what could be wrong...my pelvic exam was fine today...I am so afraid that I may never be able to have another baby someday, with all the problems that I have had since Kobe and the last miscarriage I had. I dont want any children right now, but I KNOW I want to try to give Casey the little girl that he has always wanted. I've even got her lil name already picked out "Abbigail Chloe Whittle", we will probably call her "Abby"...I can see her now...my lil chubby cheeks, lil blonde curls, blue eyes...Oh gosh listen at me...Anyway, I had to go to Dr. Jonna today also because I have been having s/s of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) for about a month now and I have a family history of GI problems. Dr. Jonna scheduled me to go have a Colonoscopy on the 6TH of next month. I am so nervous about this because I have sat in on a colonoscopy with Dr. Jonna and it looks like it is so painful..and EMBARRESSING! Dr. Jonna is an awesome doctor and very professional too. I really liked working w/ him at the hospital, he was always making us laugh and being silly.
Mom and I got in an argument today, which isnt very unusual for us anyway, and I decided that we just can't get along no matter how hard I try...we will never be close. It's just not going to happen and we are only making each other unhappy, so from now on Anita, my mother in law, is probably going to keep Kobe three days a week and my Grannie Willene is going to keep him the other two days. I thought about daycare, but thats just really not an option for us. I dont think I could stand the thought...
I haven't heard from AT for almost a month now. I dont really know what to think...except that his babies Momma has told a bunch of lies, like always, to manipulate him into not talking to me anymore. She's probably holding those poor children above his head dangling them like bait over a shark tank to get what she wants like she has since they were born. I really dont care anymore though. She's out of my life and NOT MY PROBLEM and I am so thankful! I miss AT writing and calling, but boy it has saved me on the phone bill! I just hope that he can distinguish lies and manipulation from TRUTH. I think I am going to write him tonight.

ANNIVERSARY VACATION
Mood:  lazy
We got back from our vacation to Tampa,FL late last night around ten o'clock. Man am I exhausted and lazy! I havent had so much fun in a LONG time. We arrived at the Sailport Resort Friday around seven o'clock and we laid around relaxing for a while after the FIVE hour trip down there...I75 was TERRIBLE!!! I had to go to sleep because my nerves were a wreck. Ppl drive so crazy down there...like they have no fear or NO SENSE AT ALL! Our suite was just as I expected...very nice. It had a living room w/ surround stereo,VCR, TV, entertainment center, couch, Kitchen w/ all cookware already provided, refrigerator, microwave, stove, etc. It has two built in bunk beds in the hall for extra ppl, a nice bedroom with TV, King size bed, walk in closet, etc. It had several small closets all throughout the suite as well. The bathroom was even nicer than most the hotels I have stayed at...w/ marble top sink, REAL TILE floor, etc. and to top all of that off....We had a suite overlooking Tampa Bay with a private balcony! It was so nice to go out there and watch the sun set over the crystal water....so therapeutic and SO relaxing. Saturday morning we got up and got ready for a long day at Busch Gardens where we saw all kinds of animals, white tigers, crocodiles, alligators, gorillas, elephants, zebra, manities, pink flamingos, all kinds of different birds and fish, lions, rhino's, etc...the list just goes on and on...we took over 165 pictures of EVERYTHING! We rode several rides, roller coasters, water rides,where we got soaked to the bone! It was nice though b/c it was soooooo hot down there. I am so sunburned on my face and chest...can't wait til my face turns brown. We also saw a 4-D show called the "Haunted Lighthouse" which was really cool b/c I have never seen a 4-D show before...we wore our glasses and everything seemed to come out of the movie at you and when one of the actors spit his drink out in the movie we got sprayed w/ water....it scared me to death..and there was one part of the movie where rats came out from behind something and when they were running out they blew air under our chairs to make it seem like rats were running under our chairs...I jumped clear out of my seat! lol. We also got to see the Anheizer Bush (Budweise) horses that are in the commercial for Budweiser. Their names are Harley, Bud, Mike and Tad. They were soooo huge and gorgeous. We also got to take pictures w/ the Budweiser DONKEY in the commercials...his name is "Sprint" He was so sweet and he let us pet him and everything. Well after a full day of fun at Busch Gardens we went back to our hotel and got "gussied up" to go out. Casey took me out to Crabby's Bills restaurant...dont let the name fool ya...its a NICE place to eat and their food is AWESOME. I ordered a strawberry dacquirie from the bar and casey had a long island iced tea...MmMmm THATS THE BEST MIXED DRINK Ive EVER HAD! Casey had "Rock shrimp pasta" and I had the Shrimp Alfredo pasta...OOoOO man it was sooo good. We cleaned our plates lol! The waitor came and was like "any desert?" lol and we were just too stuffed. Sunday we got up early and packed our things for the trip home. Then we went to the Florida Aquarium. We viewed all the exotic fish, alligators, sharks, otters, etc. We saw a show where some professional scooba divers went in the tank w/ the sharks and swam around. We wanted to swim w/ the sharks while we were there, but it was too expensive, so we chose to go on the Echotour instead, which was great too. After viewing all the exhibits, we ate lunch and shopped in the gift shop for Kobe something. We got him a fuzzy stuffed Nemo "Clown" fish and some crystal candy on a stick. Then it was time for our EchoTour on a 64 ft Cadamaran boat, called the "Bay Spirit". We went out on the boat for an hour and a half w/ 45 other ppl and we saw SEVEN Bottle nose DOLPHINS!!!! I have never seen them in the wild and one got so close that it sprayed water on us! We even got to see a mother and her baby. It was so relaxing and education to learn so much about the dolphins in the wild and the differences in their behavior vs. dolphins in captivity. After our Echotour we were pretty much exhausted, so we decided to head to HOME SWEET HOME...GEORGIA. I had a great time in FLorida, but GA will always be my home sweet home, and I missed my baby SOOOOO MUCH! Three days was long enough away from him. I hope that we can take him along next vacation. I just want him to be old enough to remember it and enjoy it as much as we did.

HAPPY THIRD ANNIVERSARY!
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: nada mas
TOMORROW IS THE BIG DAY!!!!!....MY THIRD WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. I am SO excited and ready for our weekend vacation...Casey is going to be home in the morning and we are going to leave shortly after...I had my car tuned up today for the long ride and it is running better than ever...had a license tag made today for the front of the car w/ lil butterflies and "Autumn and Casey" written on it in my fav. color PINK..ITS SO CUTE! I luv my Hyundai Sonata... It's the best car I think Ive ever had. I also got a cake made today for our lil "romantic evening" and I bought some wine. I bought a chocolate jersey whip icing marble cake that has vanilla and chocolate inside w/ "Happy Anniversary Casey" on it. I can't wait to dig into our cake and sip on our wine in our fancy resort and eat fruit w/ whip cream and then YOU KNOW WHAT NEXT..."whoopie!!!" LOL. Well, I still got a lot left to do...iron clothes, pack Kobes suitcase and mine and Casey's and get together everything that we are taking w/ us...so Ill write next week and tell all about my weekend getaway.....WITHOUT CHILDREN lol!!!

*Blissful weekend*
Mood:  happy
Oh man was this weekend a good one....me and Casey spent all weekend together and we didnt have not ONE SINGLE argument! We haven't had such a good weekend in a long time. We went shopping and had plenty of money to spend which was really fun. We bought clothes for our trip this weekend for our THIRD ANNIVERSARY to Tampa, Fl. and some other things that we will most definitely be needing like CHAMPAGNE FLOATS lol. I have such a romantic evening planned for us Friday night at the resort and he doesnt have a clue! :) We are staying at such a nice resort too...the Sailport Resort right off of Tampa Bay! Were staying in our FIRST SUITE! It has a bedroom, kitchen, living room, bathroom, etc. It is overlooking the Tampa Bay and it is so beautiful. I guess another reason why this weekend was so awesome was b/c we made so much love this weekend...lol..Im just praying that I didnt get pregnant as much lovin' as I got!!! lmfao Well, Im gonna cut this one short, but I am so happy in my life right now...and so excited about this weekend...

"peachy life"
Mood:  sharp
Its been a while since I made an entry. Things are going great, despite all the BS that has been threw my way and all the manipulative ppl that are trying to make my life a living hell...works great, Kobe's great, Casey's great, so everything is pretty "peachy" in my life right now. I have registered for classes for my RN this fall at SGC and I am so excited and eager to start. I will be taking Biology with a Lab, First Aid, Music Appreciation, and Psychology this fall. I have heard that my Biology teacher is so hard and he is the only one that they have to sign up with right now, so Im stuck with him. I hope that they hire another instructor and maybe I can get into that class. I have been told that all of my other classes will be pretty easy and considering I dont have to take two of the required classes because I took them after I greaduated high school, that will help.
Richard came home a few wks ago and is doing great since his accident. It just amazes me how he survived considering what I saw when we went up there the day after the accident. I haven't seen anything that terrible in my whole life. I just knew he wasnt going to make it or that he would be brain damaged or worse, but here he is...a walking miracle..alive and being the same old "Turd" He doesnt have ANY differences in personality since the accident lol. You would think something like going legally blind would change someone a little, but not "Pisswillie" lol. We have been spending a lot of time with him lately and its so good to finally have him home with everyone. He is truely blessed.
Kobe is learning how to express himself more and more each day. He is learning how to put his words together to make sentences and its so hilarious to listen to him talk sometimes, especially when he gets on the phone and talks to someone b/c he carries on his own little conversation with them and when you ask for the phone he says " NO I talking right now." lol. That little booger is SO worth having. Things still arent going well with potty training. We are trying, but its just not sinking in. I hope that he catches on soon...pull ups are SO EXPENSIVE!
I talked to Tammy aka "Tambo" the other day for the first time since she got out of "lock down" from when she tried to OD on Oxycodone. She took 11 of them and they had to pump her stomach. She is so much better now and has such a good attitude about everything else going on around her. I hope that things stay that way for her...Lord knows things are up and down w/ Tambo most of the time. We have been talking a lot online lately and I miss her so much and all the good times we used to have..and I even miss some of the not so good times. Tammy and I have just had a connection ever since we met one another when I was 16...we just clicked right away and understood one another and no matter what our faults we have always stayed best friends...I love that about her...you dont hardly ever find friends like that anymore.
Casey and I are going on vacation next weekend in celebration of our THIRD WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! I can't believe that we have been together for FIVE years now...man thats a long time. I couldn't imagine my life without him...he is the best thing that ever happened to me...him and Kobe. Casey is taking me to Tampa, FL and we are going to Bush Gardens and Discovery Cove, where we will swim with DOLPHINS! We are also going to the Florida Aquarium for a day. We are staying at THE HILTON in a suite!!!!! It has a jacuzzi and a heated pool inside ...its going to be so awesome! I am so excited. Casey and I have never got to go off by ourselves and do anything like this before...OoOOo the love making we will do...lol. We may even make another baby...lmfao..NOT!

DEATH OF INNOCENCE
Mood:  sad
I was saddened by the news of Terri Schiavo's death this morning. I was at a patients house and found myself sobbing when I heard the news. I just dont understand how anyone can be forced to die from starvation and dehydration LEGALLY! I guess it just goes to show how screwed up this "great nation" of ours truely is. I am going to have a living will drawn up myself this month because I dont EVER want to put my husband or my family in a situation like that. I guess what bothers me the most is the fact that her mother had to sit there and watch her daughter suffer and die slowly and there was nothing she could do about it because her "legal husband" wanted her dead. Hell, her husband already was shacked up with another woman and now has two kids so wtf! He should have divorced his wife and married his HOE and gave Terri back to her parents...but NO he wanted her dead! I think that what goes around comes around though and one day hes gonna pay for what he did to that innocent soul. Most people are ignorant to what all of this means because they have no medical training, but a death from dehydration and starvation is a horrific way to die and ITS AN UNNATURAL DEATH...its painful and agonizing...theres nothing peaceful about it, and what makes me so angry is when people say "well she was brain dead so why keep her alive anyway?" TERRI SCHIAVO WAS NOT BRAIN DEAD she suffered brain damage from going into cardiac arrest which was brough on by her bulemia...her electrolytes in her body became so unstable and her potassium level dropped so quickly that she went into cardiac arrest and her heart stopped. Someone who is brain dead does not look around the room at people and does not show facial expressions, someone who is brain dead does not mumble and try to speak, someone who is brain dead DOES NOT KISS HER FATHER! The whole case just breaks my heart and frightens me because we are giving out the message that its ok to kill the disabled and handicapped, its ok for us to "get rid of them" because they arent living a fullfilling life anymore...whats to come next..the killing of innocent children!? I just think the world is going to hell in a hand basket.
Oh I also got some news today....my sister is pregnant again! I was so angry when I heard this morning that she was because now my Mom is going to have three kids to take care of and I know she cant do that...she doesnt even really want to keep the two she has because financially she needs to be going back to work soon...I think I am going to sign Kobe up for Headstart..but I just hate to put him in so young, but then again with me going back to school this fall I think it would be easier for me to just pay Anita to keep him. Well, I guess Ive got plenty of time to think about it...probably about eight months.
Casey came home today also due to the rain and we went and go our hair cut. Lori cut mine too much she cut like an inch and a half! My hair was midway of my back and now its just below my shoulders! Kobe was so cute...he was watching me getting my hair cut and he said "Mommie I wanna hair cut!" Lori laughed and said if I had time today Id do it, but he didnt really need one anyway. I love how he wants to do everything that I do...makes me feel good because I know hes looking up to me because I used to do the same thing with my Grandma. lol. I also saw a long time friend, Angela Massey today and got her number, so we can get together sometime. We were talking about what all was going on in our lives and she got to see Kobe and she just fell in love with him and she said my hubby was handsome and sweet...LIKE I DIDNT KNOW lol. Its good getting to see old friends, especially when its the ones YOU WANT TO RUN INTO. I got Kobe's Easter pictures back yesterday and they turned out so good. He is smiling in it and he has his hands folded...so adorable...Im going to attach the pic to the entry today if I can.

Life is good....
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Casting Crowns
Today has been a good day! I didnt have to work too hard today, which I dont ever really work TOO HARD lol :). Kobe has been going through the "social anxiety" thing where he cries every morning when I leave him at Mom's and that really bothers me sometimes, but I know that its something that all kids go through and Im not worried about him being took care of because my Mom keeps him and I trust her. I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful mother who has sacrificed her career and her time and money to keep my son and my neice. I dont think I would have finished my LPN had she not been there for me through it all. I would never leave my son in daycare. I would stay at home before I would do that. I have worked daycare for a year and a half of my life when I was a senior in high school and when I was in my first year at SGC and I know what the parents dont see. I just dont understand how people can put their kids in a strangers hands, but I guess some people arent as fortunate as me and dont have a choice. Anyway, I swung by Carol's, Anthony's mom's house today after I got off work and we sat around and BS'ed about stuff and her nephew, David or should I say "Crazy David" came over and we debated on some stuff as we always do and just all in all had a good time for about an hour. My heart really goes out to Carol because I could not imagine having to have gone through all that she has...a terrible car wreck that almost killed her and her son!, her heart failing on her and having to hospitalized years later and on a respirator, her son going to prison for burglary because he got on drugs and got with the wrong crowd, not getting to even see her own twin Grandkids because their mother is selfish and uses her kids to punish others and get what she wants. I mean the list just goes on and on for Carol. She is a much stronger woman than I ever think I could be. Carol and I have always got along though, even when I was 16 and dating her son. She still to this day says that she wished he had married me and had children with me because she always knew that I was good for him and made him make better choices. I guess things happen for a reason though. Well, Kobe is wanting me to go watch "SCOOBY DOO" with him, so I guess Im done for today...LATER!

Crossroad
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Linkin Park
Have you ever noticed how some people think that they have to be "above" everyone else to be happy? It defeats their purpose really when you think about it, because all that it reveals is their own jealousy, and envy. I think being in competition with someone all the time exhausts you and in the end it will cause your own unhappiness, because no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you work to be better, all people are different and their goals in life and their ideas of happiness are different in so many ways. I know that some people think that happiness comes from materialistics such as money, cars, houses, a "daddy" for their children, etc. but I believe that true happiness starts inside, with YOURSELF. You see, if your in competition with someone else all the time, then deep down inside you are insecure about who you are as a person. I have found that most of the time people who do this are angry at the people they're "idolizing" because they feel that they have caused their mistakes in their life or that they have wronged them in some way, when in actuality they're insecurities and doubts about who they are caused their life to go in that direction, not to mention their OWN ACTIONS. See, I have come to a crossroad in my life where I understand that life isnt about materialistics, or the "perfect image" or the mistakeless marriage or family. I can accept my insecurities, my mistakes, my families mistakes, and I love myself regardless of my flaws, and I will NEVER let anyone make me feel inadequate again.

Easter
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Two Steps Behind
I came to the realization today that sometimes I become judgemental too quickly. Casey and I talked last night and he made me realize that, active part of his life or not..his family is still his family and he loves them...I should not have got upset just because he wanted to go spend time with them. I know that I can be such a bitch to him sometimes and I wonder why he even loves me? and yet he does, so deeply and for that I am blessed. I know that I tend to say things that I really dont mean too often to count...like I said yesterday that I didnt really think that Casey was my soulmate. Casey is and will always be the one true love of my life...yes I loved another man once, but I can honestly say that I now know that we werent meant to be...I think sometimes I just want to believe that there was more to the relationship than there was. Anyway, Casey, Kobe and I we all went to my sisters house for Easter today and unfortunately we werent able to hunt eggs due to the weather, but we had a great time anyway...Kobe played with Olivia, they opened their easter baskets and ate candy til they were about sick lol..and we grilled hamburgers, hotdogs, etc. Leighanne and I have been getting a lot closer lately, something that I have always wanted. I guess its no wonder considering how we had our babies 8 wks apart and going through something like that together will most definitely bring you close. I used to think Leighanne thought she was so much better than me...that she was always in "competition" with me, but now I realize that she doesnt care about all of that and that she had to earn her way just as I have and she loves me no matter what, which is a good feeling and I am happy for her happiness and success...she deserves it.
As I look at my handsome, blue eyed son now...I feel like the luckiest person in the world...to have such a precious cargo put in my hands to love and nurture all these years...theres nothing more awesome and fullfilling out of life than that. I hit myself sometimes saying the things that I say...Kobe and Casey..they are my life..and its not perfect by no means and I never claimed for it to be "heavenly" all the time, but as times goes by...people tend to realize that love is something that you have to work at..its always there, but sometimes you have to realize that you are not perfect, and that your family is not perfect, but when you have love...true love your family can work through anything. I guess thats why Casey and I have been together for five years now and never seperated...because no matter how mad we get at one another..no matter what we say or do...we love each other completely utterly and truely madly deeply....some people arent lucky enough to find that kind of love in a lifetime..I just thank God that I did.