VENTING ANGER
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Staind and Evanescence
Today has been a terrible day...I got up this morning and right away I knew it was going to be one of those days..one of those horrible days that we all tend to have. We were late getting up and getting ready to go have Kobe's picture made at the Gallery, my Mom got agitated cause we werent ready, Casey and I had an argument, Kobe was acting like a full fledged damn HELLYUN at the Gallery and I was so embarressed by him, Casey wanted to go to his Mema's for Easter today and I didnt feel like it and Kobe was acting ill so we had another argument! I mean why should I go out of the way to spend time with a bunch of strangers who dont even know mine or my son's name!? Casey's family has never even been an active part of his life...KOBE, ME AND MY FAMILY make up Casey's "REAL" family. I ended up leaving with Kobe and going to my Grandma's to cool off and when I get home theres a damn note saying that he went to his Mema's WITHOUT ME AND KOBE!! Sometimes I just dont understand Casey and sometimes I get so damn mad at him that I think I could literally CHOKE HIM! I mean he has been on the road ALL WEEK LONG away from Kobe, not having to take care of Kobe and what does he do....LEAVES ME WITH OUR CHILD AND GOES TO HIS FAMILIES HOUSE TO HAVE FUN! Meanwhile I am stuck here having to fucking take care of Kobe ALL BY MYSELF...LIKE USUAL...hell I should be used to it by now, its been this way ever since Kobe was born...I give up everything that I want to do and he does whatever the fuck he wants to. Sometimes I think I would be just as good or even better off by myself, but then I think about all the financial problems I would have...Casey pulls a lot of the weight around here. I have always loved Casey, but sometimes on days like this....I feel as though as each day goes by...im falling more and more out of love with him. I guess I shouldnt be surprised...I never really thought that Casey was my soul mate....I met him a long time ago and I messed up and let the love of my life slip right through my fingertips, something I have always regreted....even to this day. I know that the happiest times of my life were with him. I could look at him from across the room and it was like butterflies in the pit of my stomach....he lit a fire in me that still burns to this day..I loved him with every part of me...and most importantly I gave him my heart five years ago and I dont know if I ever got it back to give to Casey. I know that I sound so confusing sometimes...trust me I realize this...but I cant help how I feel and I think sometimes I lie to myself so that I think I am happy...when really I know that I will never be happy like I was with him. I just get so tierd of being unappreciated, took advantage of, tierd of giving up every dream that I ever had for myself and most importantly Im tierd of living a lie...

Mood:  lazy
Today I went to work as usual. I have been so exhausted this week,just have no energy at all. Im having some problems with my boss at work, she can really be a bitch sometimes. I can't wait until I get to go back to college for my RN in Auguast. I wont have to work as much and I will be able to spend more time with Kobe. Sometimes I feel like a failure as a mother because ever since he came into my life I have been so busy with school, work, and life in general I feel like I have missed out on so many things. I mean I know that I did all of it for Kobe and his benefit, but sometimes I wonder was it worth it? All those days that I missed with him, all those memories that I never participated in...sometimes I wish I could just be a house wife, but financially not many people get to do that anymore. Kobe is the joy of my life...hes what keeps me going...each and every day he is discovering something new...he finds every part of life so fullfilling and exciting..and I find myself learning something new from him every day. Casey has been gone for the past two weeks working on the road in Macon. I miss him beyond relief. I dont know what I would do without him in my life. I think what I love most about Casey is the fact that you can kick him, spit in his face, call him terrible things, and no matter what he still loves you...I have done so many terrible things to Casey and through it all he has offered his forgiveness and true devoted love. I have never been loved so much in my whole life by anyone like Casey has loved me. When Im at work I talk alot with my patients and some of them have lost their wives or their husbands and it just rattles my mind sometimes realizing that these are the best years of my life and that someday Casey or even Kobe could be gone. It can be so depressing working with the elderly, but I am so fortunate because I gain so much wisdom, and strength from these people...their life's stories change mine because they make me realize how precious life is and how easily it can all change and how quickly its over. I realize that moaning and groaning over the little things doesnt matter anymore...and that you should thank God for each moment that you have.