Crossroad
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Linkin Park
Have you ever noticed how some people think that they have to be "above" everyone else to be happy? It defeats their purpose really when you think about it, because all that it reveals is their own jealousy, and envy. I think being in competition with someone all the time exhausts you and in the end it will cause your own unhappiness, because no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you work to be better, all people are different and their goals in life and their ideas of happiness are different in so many ways. I know that some people think that happiness comes from materialistics such as money, cars, houses, a "daddy" for their children, etc. but I believe that true happiness starts inside, with YOURSELF. You see, if your in competition with someone else all the time, then deep down inside you are insecure about who you are as a person. I have found that most of the time people who do this are angry at the people they're "idolizing" because they feel that they have caused their mistakes in their life or that they have wronged them in some way, when in actuality they're insecurities and doubts about who they are caused their life to go in that direction, not to mention their OWN ACTIONS. See, I have come to a crossroad in my life where I understand that life isnt about materialistics, or the "perfect image" or the mistakeless marriage or family. I can accept my insecurities, my mistakes, my families mistakes, and I love myself regardless of my flaws, and I will NEVER let anyone make me feel inadequate again.

Easter
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Two Steps Behind
I came to the realization today that sometimes I become judgemental too quickly. Casey and I talked last night and he made me realize that, active part of his life or not..his family is still his family and he loves them...I should not have got upset just because he wanted to go spend time with them. I know that I can be such a bitch to him sometimes and I wonder why he even loves me? and yet he does, so deeply and for that I am blessed. I know that I tend to say things that I really dont mean too often to count...like I said yesterday that I didnt really think that Casey was my soulmate. Casey is and will always be the one true love of my life...yes I loved another man once, but I can honestly say that I now know that we werent meant to be...I think sometimes I just want to believe that there was more to the relationship than there was. Anyway, Casey, Kobe and I we all went to my sisters house for Easter today and unfortunately we werent able to hunt eggs due to the weather, but we had a great time anyway...Kobe played with Olivia, they opened their easter baskets and ate candy til they were about sick lol..and we grilled hamburgers, hotdogs, etc. Leighanne and I have been getting a lot closer lately, something that I have always wanted. I guess its no wonder considering how we had our babies 8 wks apart and going through something like that together will most definitely bring you close. I used to think Leighanne thought she was so much better than me...that she was always in "competition" with me, but now I realize that she doesnt care about all of that and that she had to earn her way just as I have and she loves me no matter what, which is a good feeling and I am happy for her happiness and success...she deserves it.
As I look at my handsome, blue eyed son now...I feel like the luckiest person in the world...to have such a precious cargo put in my hands to love and nurture all these years...theres nothing more awesome and fullfilling out of life than that. I hit myself sometimes saying the things that I say...Kobe and Casey..they are my life..and its not perfect by no means and I never claimed for it to be "heavenly" all the time, but as times goes by...people tend to realize that love is something that you have to work at..its always there, but sometimes you have to realize that you are not perfect, and that your family is not perfect, but when you have love...true love your family can work through anything. I guess thats why Casey and I have been together for five years now and never seperated...because no matter how mad we get at one another..no matter what we say or do...we love each other completely utterly and truely madly deeply....some people arent lucky enough to find that kind of love in a lifetime..I just thank God that I did.

VENTING ANGER
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Staind and Evanescence
Today has been a terrible day...I got up this morning and right away I knew it was going to be one of those days..one of those horrible days that we all tend to have. We were late getting up and getting ready to go have Kobe's picture made at the Gallery, my Mom got agitated cause we werent ready, Casey and I had an argument, Kobe was acting like a full fledged damn HELLYUN at the Gallery and I was so embarressed by him, Casey wanted to go to his Mema's for Easter today and I didnt feel like it and Kobe was acting ill so we had another argument! I mean why should I go out of the way to spend time with a bunch of strangers who dont even know mine or my son's name!? Casey's family has never even been an active part of his life...KOBE, ME AND MY FAMILY make up Casey's "REAL" family. I ended up leaving with Kobe and going to my Grandma's to cool off and when I get home theres a damn note saying that he went to his Mema's WITHOUT ME AND KOBE!! Sometimes I just dont understand Casey and sometimes I get so damn mad at him that I think I could literally CHOKE HIM! I mean he has been on the road ALL WEEK LONG away from Kobe, not having to take care of Kobe and what does he do....LEAVES ME WITH OUR CHILD AND GOES TO HIS FAMILIES HOUSE TO HAVE FUN! Meanwhile I am stuck here having to fucking take care of Kobe ALL BY MYSELF...LIKE USUAL...hell I should be used to it by now, its been this way ever since Kobe was born...I give up everything that I want to do and he does whatever the fuck he wants to. Sometimes I think I would be just as good or even better off by myself, but then I think about all the financial problems I would have...Casey pulls a lot of the weight around here. I have always loved Casey, but sometimes on days like this....I feel as though as each day goes by...im falling more and more out of love with him. I guess I shouldnt be surprised...I never really thought that Casey was my soul mate....I met him a long time ago and I messed up and let the love of my life slip right through my fingertips, something I have always regreted....even to this day. I know that the happiest times of my life were with him. I could look at him from across the room and it was like butterflies in the pit of my stomach....he lit a fire in me that still burns to this day..I loved him with every part of me...and most importantly I gave him my heart five years ago and I dont know if I ever got it back to give to Casey. I know that I sound so confusing sometimes...trust me I realize this...but I cant help how I feel and I think sometimes I lie to myself so that I think I am happy...when really I know that I will never be happy like I was with him. I just get so tierd of being unappreciated, took advantage of, tierd of giving up every dream that I ever had for myself and most importantly Im tierd of living a lie...

Mood:  lazy
Today I went to work as usual. I have been so exhausted this week,just have no energy at all. Im having some problems with my boss at work, she can really be a bitch sometimes. I can't wait until I get to go back to college for my RN in Auguast. I wont have to work as much and I will be able to spend more time with Kobe. Sometimes I feel like a failure as a mother because ever since he came into my life I have been so busy with school, work, and life in general I feel like I have missed out on so many things. I mean I know that I did all of it for Kobe and his benefit, but sometimes I wonder was it worth it? All those days that I missed with him, all those memories that I never participated in...sometimes I wish I could just be a house wife, but financially not many people get to do that anymore. Kobe is the joy of my life...hes what keeps me going...each and every day he is discovering something new...he finds every part of life so fullfilling and exciting..and I find myself learning something new from him every day. Casey has been gone for the past two weeks working on the road in Macon. I miss him beyond relief. I dont know what I would do without him in my life. I think what I love most about Casey is the fact that you can kick him, spit in his face, call him terrible things, and no matter what he still loves you...I have done so many terrible things to Casey and through it all he has offered his forgiveness and true devoted love. I have never been loved so much in my whole life by anyone like Casey has loved me. When Im at work I talk alot with my patients and some of them have lost their wives or their husbands and it just rattles my mind sometimes realizing that these are the best years of my life and that someday Casey or even Kobe could be gone. It can be so depressing working with the elderly, but I am so fortunate because I gain so much wisdom, and strength from these people...their life's stories change mine because they make me realize how precious life is and how easily it can all change and how quickly its over. I realize that moaning and groaning over the little things doesnt matter anymore...and that you should thank God for each moment that you have.